Stock Market Jokes

[loma]

On Elder Wanajo's advice, this thread is to accommodate all the laughing bulls and the joking bears.

Drop in here from time to time to cool off the NSE heat

[LUCKY]

God tell me to give this to all my Friends...

Feel free to ask for more..........

& Keep up the good job

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[LUCKY]

                                     THIS IS NO JOKE-----You may not like what you see!!!!
          WARNING----Another view of TRANSCORSPE----WARNING

http://www.ramshornguestranch.com/alexander/images/transcorpse.JPG

          WARNING----Another view of TRANSCORSPE----WARNING

[loma]

If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

[Pumping]

If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

@Loma - Thanks for setting this up. You are the man.

To the numbers question, is it 1,000 (One ThousAnd?)?

[easimoni]

Or one hundred and one?

[edwardaigb]

 

  that food               
  :

no be joke ooooooooooooooooooooooo
boogie:

[eniyanman]

@lucky,
chei see food!!
 

[LUCKY]

''QUOTE''----Im the most incredible outta 9ja, straight from 9ja.....categorically im the best mentally, cutest physically....originality works for me...why i no go show!!!


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[loma]

@

Or one hundred and one?

If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

@Loma - Thanks for setting this up. You are the man.

To the numbers question, is it 1,000 (One ThousAnd?)?

And the prize goes to.......Pumping!     Easy-and no be number ke!

[loma]

The Businessman
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

[texas543]

Marketing

A Professor at IIM was explaining Marketing Concepts to his Students:

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich, marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing"

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich, marry him." -That's Advertising"

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich, marry me - That's Telemarketing"

4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say: "By the way, I'm rich. Will you "Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations

5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says: You are very rich! "Can you marry me?" - That's Brand Recognition

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - "That's Customer Feedback"

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. - "That's demand and supply gap"

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person comes and tells her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him - "That's competition eating into your market share"


9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. - "That's restriction for entering new markets"

[yodiyokun]

Lucky - You go Isi a la ngwa -- wetin dem dey call am.

Thats where I was posted - after orientation camp, I vamoosed kia kia go Ibadan. I tire for all those village people wey I see for dere ooo!!!

[yodiyokun]

When I read this, I laughed so hard - If anyone told me having kids could be close to this I would say na lie, but now I know better.

The funny thing is that, for those that are parents already you cant do without them no matter how hard they cramp your style so to speak.

For the Singles here - have a read!.

Thinking of Having Kids?
Do this 11 step program first!

Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already
Are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding,
Sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, an d overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all
The answers.

Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room
From 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds,
With a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing
Loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to
Sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until
1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and
Watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard
And
Be productive)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and
Together.

Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all
Summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does
That look?

Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang
Out.
Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think
That you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family
Cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the
Back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your
Foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can
Find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If
You intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one
Goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your
Sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily
Accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the
Swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney,
The Tele tubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the
Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking
What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important:
no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional
crescendo to the
level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car
everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a
long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually
tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy'
tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation
with an adult while there is a child in the room.

[LUCKY]

@ Yodiyokun
Na Isiala-Ngwa I stay.
Pls can we know why you vamoose kia kia???

[loma]

@YodiYokun,  haba , no scare the singles now!

@Lucky- una be female? Na man I think dey post since , and I dey wonder why u dey use feminine avatar. E kaasan ma o!

[LUCKY]

@Loma
I'm all woman however in this business world everybody is a "Man".

[LUCKY]

Compare & Contrast - Who is happier???

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[loma]

How I pick my stocks!

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[loma]

And for CICO stocks!



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[loma]

For long-term picks-

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[LUCKY]

Indian man marries dog
An Indian man who believed he had been cursed for stoning to death two dogs has atoned for his sin by marrying another dog in a traditional Hindu wedding ceremony.
P. Selvakumar, a 33-year-old farm labourer from the southern state of Tamil Nadu, married the four-year-old stray bitch after it was bathed and processed to his village temple dressed in an orange sari and garlanded with flowers.
Friends and relations attend P. Selvakumar's wedding to a dog
The marriage took place on the advice of the man's astrologer who said it was the only way to atone for his actions of more than 20 years ago.
He was reported to have suffered a series of physical ailments after stoning the dogs to death and hanging their bodies from a tree.

“After that my legs and hands got paralysed and I lost hearing in one ear,” said Mr Selvakumar after the ceremony with his new "bride", whose name is Selvi.
A reception attended by some 200 guests was held for the newlyweds in the groom's house during which Selvi grew restless and ran away.
However she was subsequently recaptured and returned to her husband who gave her milk and a bun to eat.
It is understood that the groom is still free to find a human wife should he be inclined.

Mr Selvakumar is not the first man to have hit the headlines for having romantic relations with animals.
Last year a Sudanese man was forced to marry a goat after village elders discovered him having sex with her. The goat died shortly afterwards.
 


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[LUCKY]

The Rocking goes on

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[texas543]

@ Lucky

U no go kil person for here Wetin u go find for india?

[Pumping]

I don dey miss since!!! 

@ yodiyokun - you have sent this your joke late o  I don too enter already ..

[shakabula]

Lucky - You go Isi a la ngwa -- wetin dem dey call am.

Thats where I was posted - after orientation camp, I vamoosed kia kia go Ibadan. I tire for all those village people wey I see for dere ooo!!!

That was where I was posted too o...and i vamoosed to Ibadan too after orientation....

[Salvage]

That was where I was posted too o...and i vamoosed to Ibadan too after orientation....

So make una talk o , Whats wrong over there at Isi ala ngwa?

_{Name of the place is long and strange though}   

[LUCKY]

P-L-E-A-S-E! Ensure u read to the end.  
Thank you.

Hi.......... ....... Trust the facts???


This is a real story of a young exUnilag girl from Ijebu-Ode who passed away last  month. Her name was Lolade.. 
She was hit by a train at Oyingbo on her way  to work at Apapa.



She was working at the MTN call center. She had a boy friend named  Emeka from Isiala-Ngwa, a banker who was recently transfered to Abuja .. Both of them are  true lovers even distance could not separate them.
They were always  talking on the phone. You could never see her without her Cellphone.

In fact she also changed Emeka's SIM from Celtel to MTN, so both of  them can be on the same network, and save on the cost of calls.


She spends half of the day and most nights talking with Emeka because she gets free calls.  
Lola's family knows about their relationship.

Emeka is very close with Lola's family in spite of the tribal  differences. (just imagine their love). 
Before she passed away at LUTH  she told her friends "If I pass away please bury me with my Cellphone"  she also said the same thing to her parents.



After her death at LUTH, the attendants couldn't carry her body to the  mortuary. 
A lot of them tried to do so but still couldn't. 
They called  more people and everybody tried to carry the body, the result was  still the same. Eventually, they called a person who knew one of her  priests in church who had the gift of communicating with the dead.
 
 He sprinkled some salt and water on the body and started speaking to  himself slowly. After a few minutes, he said "this girl misses  something here." 
Then  her friends told him about her intentions to bury her with her phone.

He asked them to bring a coffin, then he opened it and placed her  phone and sim card inside

the casket. After that they tried to carry the body. It could now be  moved and they carried it away easily.

Everyone was shocked and sad, they were so shocked that Lola's parents did not inform Emeka that Lola had passed away and buried her quickly  because of all the unusual circumstances.

After 2 weeks Emeka called Lola's mom.....

Emeka :...."Aunty, I'm coming to the house today, it is Lola's  birthday   please I hope you will cook something nice for me.

Don't tell Lola that I'm coming to Lagos today, I want to surprise her."

Her mother replied..... "OK You come to Lagos first, I want to tell  you something very important."

 
After he came, they told him the truth about Lola. Emeka though that  they were playing an April fool's joke. He was laughing and said  "don't try to fool me - tell Lola to come out, i have a Birthday gift

for her. Please stop this nonsense".



Then they showed the original death certificate to him. They also gave  him other proof  to make him believe. (Emeka started to sweat) He  said... "Its not true. We spoke yesterday. She still calls me. 
 
Emeka  was shaking.


Suddenly, Emeka's phone rang. "he said, see this is from Lola, see  this...." he showed the phone to Lola's family. all of them told him  to answer. he talked using the loudspeaker mode. 
 
All of them heard his  conversation. Loud and clear, no cross lines, no humming. It was the

actual voice of Lola & there was no way others could use her staff sim  card since it is nailed inside the casket before she was hurriedly  buried.
 
They were so shocked and asked for the same priest (who can  speak with the souls of the dead) again. This time he brought his  Bishop along to help solve this matter.

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> >   He & his Bishop worked for 5 hours.

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> >   Then they discovered one thing which really shocked  them...

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> >Scroll down....

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   I don't think you really want to know, do you?

[loma]

MTN WORKS ANYWHERE, EVEN IN THE GRAVE!    mtn!

[loma]

Four Men in a Car
Four men rode in a car: a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a computer engineer.
The car stalled out.
The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the pistons; let's repair them and be on our way."
The electrical engineer said, "It has to be the spark plugs; we'll replace them and be ready to roll in no time at all."
The chemical engineer said. "No, it's got to be bad gas; we'll flush the system and be on our way."
They turned to the computer engineer. "What do you think we should do?" they asked.
The computer engineer shrugged and said, "Let's get out of the car, close the doors, then get back in and try restarting it."

[LUCKY]

@loma, You know it all.MTN WORKS ANYWHERE, EVEN IN THE GRAVE!

After reading the whole email with keen interest, the conclusion just couldn't add up.
I wonder where it originated from. The obvious culprit is MTN. They are guilty until Celtel proves otherwise.

[LUCKY]

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window "I want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank."
"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"