Stock Market Jokes

[Pumping]

Perhaps the guy is not even married-at least he would have left the car under the watchful eyes of his wife.
This book cover tries to illustrate why some young men are not in a hurry to marry. It makes Economic sense, abi!!
I need to get Windy's advice on this one. I hear say she be World-Acclaimed Marriage Counsellor.

@texas543
Are you from Ijebu? Me i from Isiala-ngwa. The hand writing is on the wall.

a re. I no be ijebu oo.  I be proper osomaalo   That handwriting is too small to read

Marry ke? Dont you know what that will cost him?

Meaning he won't have any car to park in the first place 

[loma]

The Tomato family
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

[LUCKY]

  This is an open Challenge to our Doctors in the House--Why should I trust a Doctor who specialises in CICO??? 
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the bottom are interchangeable.

[LUCKY]

A mother and a baby camel were lazing around, and suddenly the baby camel asked Baby : Mother, mother, may I ask you some questions?
Mother : Sure! Why son, is there something bothering you?
Baby : Why do camels have those great big humps on their backs ?
Mother : Well son, we are desert animals, we need the humps to store water and we are known to survive without water.... We can go on long treks across the deserts without drinking for extended periods...

Baby : Okay, then why are our legs long and our feet rounded, with those huge three toed feet ?
Mother : Son, obviously they are meant for walking in the desert. They help you stay on top of the soft sand... You know with these legs I can move around the desert better than anyone does ! Said the mother proudly.

Baby : Okay, then why are our eyelashes long? Sometimes it bothers my sight.
Mother : My son, those long thick eyelashes are your protective cover.
They help to protect your eyes from the desert sand and wind. Said mother camel with eyes gleaming with pride....
Baby : I see. So the hump is to store water when we are in the desert, the legs are for walking through the desert sand and these eye lashes protects my eyes from the desert winds.... But Mom......
Mother : (Getting a little impatient...) Tell me boy, something is still bothering you... ?

Baby : Then Mom... what the hell are we doing here in this goddamn Zzzoooooo

MORAL OF THE STORY : "Skills, knowledge, abilities and experiences are of value only if you are at the right place"

(Where are you right now ??)......

[LUCKY]

A plane crash is insurabe, but the lost luggage is not-----

After all the yawa about deportation and ban, the BA flight travelled to Nigeria and on their return leg, this is what happenned.
Seun a young and humble IT gururu from Naijaland fixed the software problem using Admin password, but the luggage was something else......

According to the Association of British Insurers many companies now regard travelling with British Airways through Terminal 5 as a foreseeable and avoidable risk - given that almost all destinations can be reached from Heathrow using other airlines.
 That it is because you will already be aware of the problems at T5 and hardly expect to be covered.
In common with other insurance providers, we cannot provide new travel insurance policies to cover an event that has already occurred. Just as a customer cannot contact us for flood cover once their house is underwater, insurance companies cannot offer cover for Terminal 5 issues after the problems have occurred and been documented in the media.

[attachment deleted by admin]

[mishoo]

Husband Writes to wife:

Dearest Sweetheart
I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100
kisses.
You are my sweetheart.
Your husband,
Allen

His wife replied back after some days to her husband:

Dearest Sweetheart:
Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses
details.
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's
milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. The landlord comes every day and takes two or three
kisses instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I
have given him some other items, Huh? Huh
5. Other expenses 40 kisses.
Please don't worry about me, I have a remaining
balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the
month using this balance.
Shall I plan in the same way for next month?
Please Advice!!!
Your wife
Ellen

[texas543]

      Nothing dey happen!!!!
This can never happen to a BEAR.
    Can this happen to a BULL?

Lucky abeg remove this please. This is man inhumanity inanimality to animal.

[Pumping]

      Nothing dey happen!!!!
This can never happen to a BEAR.
    Can this happen to a BULL?

No vex, this one no good. Wetin the animal do now abi which kin tin be dis? Just take am comot jeje. He fit depress person wey NSE don show red already. Person wey dey see blue sef.

[texas543]

Thank you

[texas543]

This puzzle is called Lateral Thinking . . .
 

Just Check This Out ! ! !!

Scroll down slowly and be honest to yourself. Crack the puzzles...


 
Think like a wizard . . .
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

            man 
     1. ------------
           board
 
 

 







Answer = man overboard
 


 




 Okay, let's see if you've got the hang of it.


 
 
 
 

 


 

 

        stand
2. ------------
        i


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


Answer = I understand


 
 
 
 




OK . . .


 


 Got the drift ?


 
 
 
 


Let's try a few now and see


 


 how you fare ?


 





3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/ g/
 


 




 


 







Answer = reading between the lines


 
 
 
 






4.       r 
 
   r     o    a    d 
    
         a
         
         d
 
 
 


 







Answer = cross road
 


 
 
 
 



Not having a good day now, are you ?


 



Redeem yourself.
 

 




5.      cycle 
       cycle 
       cycle


 




 
 


 






Answer = tricycle
 


 
 
 
 



Not easy to figure out ha!
 

 




         0 
6. ------------ 
       M.D.
       Ph.D.


 




 
 
 


 






Answer= two degrees below zero
 

 



C'mon give it a little thought!!

 




       knee 
7. ------------
       light


 




 
 
 


 






Answer= neon light


 


 ( knee - on - light )


 
 
 
 




U can prove u r smart by getting this one.


 
 
 
 




                           ground 
8.                    ------------ ---
                        feet feet feet feet feet feet


 




 
 


Answer= six feet underground
 

 



Oh no, not again!!







9.  he's X  himself
 


 




 
 


 






Answer = he's by himself
 

 



Now u messing up big time.
 

 




10. ecnalg


 




 
 


 






Answer= backward glance
 


 
 
 
 



   Not even close ! !
 

 




11. death ..... life
 


 




 
 
 


 






Answer= life after death
 


 
 
 
 



Okay last chance ............ ......


 




12. THINK


 




 
 


 







Answer = think big ! !
 

 




And the last one is real fundoo - - -


 
 
 
 




13. ababaaabbbbaaaabbbb ababaabbaaabbbb. .


 



 

Ans. =  long time no 'C'

[LUCKY]

      Lucky abeg remove this please. This is man inhumanity inanimality to animal.

No vex, this one no good. Wetin the animal do now abi which kin tin be dis? Just take am comot jeje. He fit depress person wey NSE don show red already. Person wey dey see blue sef.

        Sorry O
   No be small thing dey happen for this world.
The man had to marry the goat as the elders have ruled

Apologies to everybody who saw and didn't see the photo.

[Salvage]

STOCK BROKER'S CREED:

     
A man is a client until proven broke.

[Salvage]

Investments

      STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth N33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth N8.50.

      BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her plasma tv to invest in NSE.

      BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell Broke.

      BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your broker gave you.

      BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.

      MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest stock quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.

      SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").

      COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker is in charge of this one.

      YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged(red) and your broker is making a margin call.

[LUCKY]

What's the definition of a stockbroker?  
A: Someone who invests your money till' it's all gone.

[Omoge]

Choosing a Wife
Ikenna wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates [Ifeoma, Nneka & Ngozi]. He gives each woman a present of N650,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


Ifeoma does a total make over.
She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

Ikenna was impressed.

Nneka goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

Ngozi invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the N650,000. She gives him back his N650,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, Ikenna was impressed.

He thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know. You can never tell what they base their judgement on.

Quality or quantity.

[texas543]

Choosing a Wife
Ikenna wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates [Ifeoma, Nneka & Ngozi]. He gives each woman a present of N650,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


Ifeoma does a total make over.
She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

Ikenna was impressed.

Nneka goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

Ngozi invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the N650,000. She gives him back his N650,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, Ikenna was impressed.

He thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know. You can never tell what they base their judgement on.

Quality or quantity.

Quality and quantity. In addition to the test he gave them, he married the one with added asset 

[LUCKY]

                                                        
                      .....Scaling fences in those days was risky..............http://www.newnigerians.com/i_survived_boarding_school_in_nigeria-t220.0.html
             
 
"I am afraid of the EFCC... they slapped my PA when they got to the house," she said
"I'm not on the run but I feel as if I'm a victim of harassment... I'm afraid for my life,"
"There's a very huge anti-Obasanjo sentiment in the country now and honestly the behaviour is not normal." she added.

Forget the picture....................
I think EFCC is overdoing it. Don't they respect anybody?
They laid siege on her house in Abuja and tried to arrest her, and she had to escape through the back door.
They said she scaled the fence and bolted away from the waiting hands of the law. They gave the impression that she ran like a frightened chicken.
Did they not say they managed to arrest one of her shoes which fell off as she fled?

Lets be real. That was the EFCC's version of the story. Did you see her jumping the fence?
Does she look like the kind of lady that will scale the fence and take to her heels?
This is a heavy duty lady, a Ph.D, and the daughter of one of the most important Nigerians alive today.

[attachment deleted by admin]

[LUCKY]

The following are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent; don't miss the last one.
Q: Are you sexually active
A: No, I just lie there.
 
Q: What is your date of birth?
  A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
  A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
  A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
 
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
  A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
  A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
 
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
  A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
  A: Forty-five years.
 
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
  A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
  A: My name is Susan.
 
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
  A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
  A: We do.
Q: You do?
  A: Yes, voodoo.
 
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
 
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
 
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
 
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
  A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
 
Q: She had three children, right?
  A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
  A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
 
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
  A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
 
Q: Can you describe the individual?
  A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
 
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
  A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
 
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
  A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
 
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
  A: Oral.
 
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
  A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
  A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
 
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
  A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
  A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
  A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
  A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
  A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
  A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

[LUCKY]

The lexicographers are at it again. Check out the explanation or meaning of the following words.

Divorce : Future tense of marriage.
Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either
Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...
Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father : A banker provided by nature.
Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor :A person who kills your ills by pills,and kills you with his bills.

[LUCKY]

•   Question: What is the truest example of "globalization?"
•   Answer: Princess Diana's death.
•   Question: Why?
•   Answer:
An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by the Italian paparazzi on Japanese
motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines!
And this is sent to you by a Nigerian, using American Bill Gates'
technology and you are probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that use
Taiwanese-made chips, and Korean-made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi
workers in a Singapore plant, transported in lorries driven by Indians,
hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, trucked by Mexican
illegal aliens, and finally sold to you.
That, my friend, is globalization

[LUCKY]

'' Never use a gallon of word to express a spoonful of thought''


 1 Bobmanuel, my assistant stockbroker, can always be found
 2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
 3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
 4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and  he always
 5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
 6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping  coffee
 7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has  absolutely no
 8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and  profound
 9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
 10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
 11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
 12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
 13 executed as soon as possible.
 Addendum:
 That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to  you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered items and make your deductions based on them.

[Pumping]

Choosing a Wife
Ikenna wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates [Ifeoma, Nneka & Ngozi]. He gives each woman a present of N650,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


Ifeoma does a total make over.
She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

Ikenna was impressed.

Nneka goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

Ngozi invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the N650,000. She gives him back his N650,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, Ikenna was impressed.

He thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know. You can never tell what they base their judgement on.

Quality or quantity.

Thank God. I thought the man was going to make a mistake 

[Salvage]

Obviously, Ikenna was impressed.

He thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know. You can never tell what they base their judgement on.

Quality or quantity.

You cant blame the guy.

He was just thinking ahead.

Its good to have ample boo shoulders to cry on when the bears refuse to leave 

[LUCKY]

Obviously, Ikenna was impressed.

He thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know. You can never tell what they base their judgement on.

Quality or quantity.

You cant blame the guy.

He was just thinking ahead.

Its good to have ample boo shoulders to cry on when the bears refuse to leave 

Flashy Ladies, these guys may be right afterall........

When a GIRL is quiet ... millions of things are running in her mind. When a GIRL is not arguing ... she is thinking deeply. When a GIRL looks at u with eyes full of questions ... she is wondering how long you will be around. When a GIRL answers " I'm fine " after a few seconds ... she is not at all fine.

When a GIRL stares at you ... she is wondering why you are lying. When a GIRL lays on your chest ... she is wishing for you to be hers forever. When a GIRL wants to see you everyday... she wants to be pampered. When a GIRL says " I love you " ... she means it. When a GIRL says " I miss you " ... no one in this world can miss you more than that.

Life only comes around once make sure u spend it with the right person .... Find a guy ... who calls you beautiful instead of hot. who calls you back when you hang up on him. who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who ... kisses your forehead. Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats. Who holds your hand in front of his friends. Who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.
Who turns to his friends and says, " That's her!! "

[loma]

A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing. The owner walks up to the young man and says, "Son, how much do you make a day?"

The guy replies, "150 dollars."

The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.

A few minutes later, the shipping clerk asks the owner, "Have you seen the UPS driver?? I asked him to wait here for me!"

[loma]

A vacuum sales man appeared at the door of an old lady's cottage and, without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said,"If this new vacuum doesn't pick up every bit of dirt then I'll eat all the dirt."

The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, "Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my NEPA bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?"

[loma]

The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year now. You started off in the mail room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-president. Now, it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"

"Thanks,Dad," said the employee.

[loma]

It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30 in the morning in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses.

On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the door!