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Author Topic: Stock Market Jokes  (Read 4911 times)
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texas543
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« Reply #320 on: August 16, 2008, 02:04:39 AM »

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.

 Teacher: What is your problem?

 Boy: I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is. I think I should be in the third-grade too.

 The teacher took the boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited  in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the  situation was.

 The principal told her that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.

 The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

 Principal: What is 3 x 3?
 Boy: 9

 Principal: What is 6 x 6?
 Boy: 36

 And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. 'I think the boy can go to the third-grade' , said the principal.

 The teacher said she had some of her own questions to ask.

 The principal and the boy agreed.

 Teacher: What is it that a cow has four and I have only two?
 Boy: (after a moment) Legs.

 Teacher: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?
 Boy: Pockets.

 Teacher: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
 Boy: Coconut.

 Teacher : What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
 The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, the boy was already answering.

 Boy: Bubblegum

 Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
 dog does on three legs?
 The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,
 Boy: Shake hands.

 Teacher: Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?
 Boy: Yep.

 Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
 Boy: Tent

 Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
 The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large vodka peg,
 Boy: Wedding Ring.

 Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
 Boy: Nose

 Teacher: I am a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver,
 Boy: Arrow

 Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
 Boy: Firetruck.

 Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' and if u don't get it u have to use your hand?
 Boy: Fork.

 Teacher : What is it that all men have one. It is longer for some men than for others. The pope doesn't use his. Normally a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
 Boy: SURNAME.

 The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, 'Send  this Boy to the University. I got the last ten questions wrong myself
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« Reply #320 on: August 16, 2008, 02:04:39 AM »

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Odin
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« Reply #321 on: August 19, 2008, 03:19:56 AM »

bros walcolm! Analysis of joke na bad form o!

No vex.
.
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texas543
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« Reply #322 on: August 25, 2008, 09:04:47 PM »

Actually, this is not a joke!

Lunatics, Destitute Overpower LASG Officials

5 hours ago, 395 views

An absurd drama occurred at Ojota, yesterday, when suspected mentally deranged persons and destitute, picked on the streets of Surulere for rehabilitation, engaged officials of the state government in a free-for-all.

The drama started when the van conveying the destitute to the Owutu, Ikorodu, Rehabilitation Centre had a flat tyre at Ojota.

In the process of trying to find a spare tyre to replace the burst one, the destitute forced the door of the van open and scampered out.

Attempts by officials of the Lagos State Rehabilitation and Training Centre, Owutu, Ikorodu, to force the destitute back into the van proved abortive as the mentally deranged among them, clutching their clothes and other belongings, attacked the officials.

They broke the windscreen of the van and scampered in all directions  :rotlmao: :rotlmao: watched by the subdued officials. Attempts to speak with some of the officials on the incident proved abortive as they declined comment. I cant imagine what the scene would look like omoge
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Odin
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« Reply #323 on: September 01, 2008, 07:35:36 AM »

Bros, na true you talk, no be joke o.

We must hail lagos state govment for di try wey dem try to helep people wey no fit helep demself o; hmnn; na big wahala, di way wey people wey dey mental disturb no dey get care for we countri... but sha givment wan try, tire come misbehave...

Meanwhile, dis yeye reporter sef; 'mentally deranged', 'mentally deranged'... na wah o.
.

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Ap@che
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« Reply #324 on: September 02, 2008, 01:48:12 PM »

There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and  I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.  The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do.  I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.  He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?  A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!
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Ap@che
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« Reply #325 on: September 02, 2008, 01:53:23 PM »

Check this out!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ___

ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?

WITNESS:      No, I just lie there.

____________ _________ ________ ____________ _________ _________ _

ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS:      Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS:        Yes.

ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS:      I forget.

ATTORNEY:  You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
        forgot?

____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?

WITNESS:    He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?

WITNESS:    My name is Susan!

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?

WITNESS:    We both do.

ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?

WITNESS:    We do.

ATTORNEY:  You do?

WITNESS:    Yes, voodoo.

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep,         he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS:    Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________ _________ _________ ______

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the twenty-one-year- old, how old is he?

WITNESS:      Uh, he's twenty-one.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _

ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS:    Are you shitt'in me?

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS:      Yes.

ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS:    Uh.... I was gett'in laid!

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY:    She had three children, right?

WITNESS:      Yes.

ATTORNEY:    How many were boys?

WITNESS:      None.

ATTORNEY:    Were there any girls?

WITNESS:    Are you kidding? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

      ____________ _________ _________ ________


ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS:    By death.

ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS:  Now, whose death do you suppose terminated it?

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS:    He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS:  Guess.

____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
        deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS:    No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?

WITNESS:      All my autopsies are performed on dead people.  Would you
like         to rephrase that?

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNE Y:  ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
        What school did you go to?

WITNESS:      Oral.

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS:      The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS:      No, he was sitting on the table, wondering why I was doing
an         autopsy on him!

____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WI TNESS:  Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

____________ _________ _________ ________

---  And the best for last:  ---

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a         pulse?

WITNESS:      No.

ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS:      No.

ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS:      No.

ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began         the autopsy?

WITNESS:      No.

ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS:    Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
        nevertheless?

WITNESS:    Yes, it is possible tha t he could have been alive and
        practicing law.


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Ap@che
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« Reply #326 on: September 02, 2008, 02:05:00 PM »

 Here are somethings you may not know......





1. Coca-Cola was originally green.  :drunk:
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
2.  The most common name in the world is  Mohammed.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
3.  The name of all the continents ends with the same letter that  they start  with.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
4.  The strongest muscle in the body is the  tongue.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
5.  There are two credit cards for every person in the United  States .
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
6.  TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the  letters
    only on one row of the  keyboard.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
7.  Women blink nearly twice as much as  men!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
8.  You can't kill yourself by holding your  breath.. faint
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
9.  It is impossible to lick your  elbow.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
10.  People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you
Sneeze, your  heart stops for a  millisecond.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
11.  It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the  sky.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
12.  The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the
toughest  tongue twister in the English  language.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
13.  If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try  to

Suppress a sneeze; you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or  neck
and  die.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
14.  Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from
History.  "Spades" - King David; "Clubs" - Alexander the Great;
" Hearts" - Charlemagne; "Diamonds" -  Julius  Caesar.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
15.  111,111,111 x 111,111,111 =  12,345,678,987, 654,321
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
16.  If a statue of a warrior on a horse has both front  legs
in the air, the person died in battle. If the
horse has one front  leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in  battle.
If the horse has a all four legs on the  ground, the person died of  natural
causes.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
17  What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and   
laser printers all have in  common?
Ans. - All invented by  women.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
18.  Honey - This is the only food that doesn't spoil.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
19.  A crocodile cannot stick its tongue  out.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
20.  A snail can sleep for three  years.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
21.  All polar bears are left  handed.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
22.  American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive
from  each salad served in  first-class.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
23.  Butterflies taste with their  feet.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
24.  Elephants are the only animals that can't  jump.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
25.  In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been  domesticated.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
26.  On average, people fear spiders more than they do  death.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
27.  Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and  'bump'.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
28.  Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left  hand.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
29.  The ant always falls over on its right side when  intoxicated.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
30.  The electric chair was invented by a  dentist.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
31.  The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to  the
body to squirt blood 30  feet.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
32.  Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have  over
million  descendants.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
33.  Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in
your ear  by 700  times.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
34.  The cigarette lighter was invented before the  match.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
35.  Most lipstick contains fish  scales.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
36.  Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is  different
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
37.  And finally 99% of people who read this will try to lick their  elbow
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